When The Tears Come

Oftentimes we feel like we need to put on a good face, but what purpose does that really serve? Do we do this to make others more comfortable? How does that serve us? Well, it really doesn’t.

The other day I was full of emotion. I honestly did not care what anyone else thought. I was unable to stop my emotions from moving through me, nor did I feel the need to do so. It is what it is, I told myself.

I gave myself permission and freedom to simply sit with whatever was going on within me, without judgement. You might be wondering what was happening, as those around me certainly were… After allowing myself to process, feel, and express outwardly what I was feeling internally, I then, was able to decipher and verbalize what was occurring.

I lost my Dad 11 weeks ago today. Because of Covid-19, I had not seen him since the 12^th of March, a date I will cherish forever. March 12^th was our last dinner together. Little did I know that this was the last. I still cherish the memories and the moments together from that evening.

In the last 11 weeks, I have not really felt a sense of grief. At first, I questioned and judged this. I constantly questioned myself and why I wasn’t experiencing a significant amount of grief.  I felt that I was grieving incorrectly, or not enough. Perhaps you might understand this from your own personal experiences.

I quickly dismissed each of these judgmental thoughts that came to me, knowing that none of them were helpful at all. It did not matter. This was my grief to address my own way, whatever way that looked for me.

Well, almost 11 weeks into this process people call ‘grief,’ I found myself filled with tears, sadness, memories, emotions and thoughts about my dad. Where did this all come from, so suddenly, I thought. Why now? Why today?

While these were all good questions, I dismissed them immediately, just like I dismissed the judgment of why I was not grieving right away. I dismissed all of the ‘why’ we constantly ask ourselves. It does not really matter. I found myself crying on the beach, on a walk, at dinner, listening to music, reading, and so on. It was a day filled with never-ending tears, as it was meant to be. This is grief. It comes in various expressions, emotions, times, and settings.

Have you ever had this experience in which you were questioning how the emotions, the grief, or the loss of something or someone was showing up in your life? Can you relate to this story in any way?

Once we give ourselves permission to allow our emotions to flow, we can truly free ourselves. Once we allow ourselves to show up, without trying to question the unknown, we can truly free ourselves. There’s no textbook for grief. Do you give yourself permission to do it your own way?

If grief or big emotions are something that you are struggling, I encourage you to accept the emotions as they come, no matter their form. We must learn to be okay with whatever shows up for us in our own time. We cannot force ourselves to feel or experience things until the emotions are ready for release, without judgment.

If I can help you in any way, please email me at sue@suedecaro.com